Caution: Prom Can Alter Your Destiny!

 He'll dress in a charcoal gray Calvin Klein tux.  He'll put a wristlet on his sweetheart.  He'll smile for a million and one photos.  He'll stay out all night at an After-Prom party hosted by his high school.  He'll dance and laugh and eat and, yes, he'll probably even smooch his girl.  He'll do everything that all other juniors do to enjoy and experience prom...as I did.  But for the last 25 years, (ugh...really--a quarter of a century?) prom meant more to me than its pomp and pageantry.   For 25 years, I have always equated prom to questions and quandaries, to mistakes and miscommunication, to poor choices and paths.

Paths.  So many are available to us when we are young and the world is open.  Author, Steven Redhead, once said "The paths we choose will make us what we are.  There are endless opportunities for change and to alter our course or path through life.  A split second decision can change the course of your life completely, forever."   Paths.  Life's paths--discussed in books and movies alike.  Who could forget Gwenyth Paltrow in that thought provoking existential film, "Sliding Doors?" (If you haven't seen it, stop reading RIGHT NOW and click on your Netfllix icon and order that baby tout suite!  It is a must see!)  In it, Helen, the protagonist, lives two lives simultaneously.  One in which she jumps on a subway home just in time.  The other, in which, she misses the subway.  Fate, destiny, chance and choice intertwine as Helen's two lives unfold.  The audience takes part in a "what if" compare and contrast game that is both thought-provoking and entertaining.

Dr. Phil calls these paths "turning points;" moments in our lives when we clearly had choices and those choices directed our destinies in unexpected ways.  He claims that when thinking back most middle aged humans can pinpoint at least 6 of these occurrences in which we traveled down a figurative road when there were oodles of other streets we ALSO could have taken.

For me, when I mine my messy, sometimes maniacal memories, the first turning point, (perhaps the ROOT of all other turning points, ) happened 25 years ago on prom night.  The choice of course was due, in part, to a boy...(after all, what OTHER pressing issues do teenage girls pay attention to?)  It was also made out of spite and feelings of rejection and unwant.  The path taken was clouded by teen angst and heartbreak and the utter DRAMA of being a girl.  But no matter the reasons (so clearly seen today as a 41 year old,) the choice was made...to date a boy that I'd never even noticed or remotely liked-all in the hopes of making another boy jealous.  I am not sure that I ever got the response I wanted from that boy, but the world kept turning and my stubbornness made me trudge down that brambly path I had chosen come Hell or high water.

Sounds like regret doesn't it?  Funny thing there is so much I DON'T regret about that infamous prom path. But that's the thing about choices--they send you down a road that can be full of craters, but also brimming with gorgeous scenery and stops that you wouldn't change for the world.  You see, I ended up marrying that "revenge choice" a few years later.  And while THAT was no picnic, the two sons that came out of that marriage were, I am sure, the reasons for the prom path.  If I hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't have them.  They wouldn't exist.  And while I lament them and their choices quite often here on this blog, I can say with the utmost assurance that life without those two little guys would be empty.  Furthermore, who I am today is in part due to the craters that tripped me up down that particular road.  While traveling that path I learned that I was strong and resilient.  I grew to be self-sufficient.  I learned what is was that I did and did not want out of life.  To put it mildly, I am a different and much more evolved human because I took a path that wasn't necessarily the best one to choose.  So it leaves me questioning?  If it molds and shapes who we are, can there ever REALLY be a poor choice or a bad life path to saunter down?

And so...and so...after journeying down this existential road with you dear Mudders, what can we take from it so that we can impart some wisdom to the children we so love and adore?  Well, we could tell them that choices no matter good or bad, smart or dumb, whether conscious or unconscious will shape their lives in ways that they could never foresee.  We can also teach them that choices will present themselves whether significant or slight all the days of their lives, and when they can, they should try and be present and aware of the possible outcomes when making decisions.  But perhaps most importantly, dear Mudders,  we should let them know that making choices, choosing paths takes forethought and insight, and that with any choice comes a chance for growth and developing a sort of stamina necessary to take us down the next path.

Talking to Your Children About bin Ladin's Death

Mark Twain once said "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."  It is in that same venue that I write today.  It is an odd feeling isn't it??  Being glad. Rejoicing over someone's death.  Last night, my husband, my seventeen year old and I sat riveted to the television breathing in each word that our President intelligently and gracefully, firmly let flow.  My initial reaction was to clap.  To cheer.  To dance a jig right there in our bedroom. To help organize a parade or a national holiday.  We let out a "whoop!" Jeff and I high-fived each other and I exclaimed, over and over "Obama got Osama!  Obama got Osama!"  Then I noticed, my 17 year old out of the corner of his eye sizing up our reactions, and I was ashamed.  I was sheepish.  Aren't I supposed to be setting an example.  I definitely wasn't doing a good job, was I?  And so I quelled my response.  I subdued my feelings of elation, and rationally began the process of parental thinking.  How must this look to my son?  After all, he was a mere 7 when Bin Ladin's horrific murderous rant occured. He is of course aware of the tragedy.  Several times we've taken our boys to the site, to remember, to give them a sense of history--of patriotism.  But still, to him, it was something that happened once upon a time.  Could he possibly grasp the notion that on the rarest of rare occasion it is more than just all right to take refuge and solace, heck to celebrate like Hell, the demise of evil. Or was it?  My feelings on the topic are definitely...well...dare I say...MUDDLED.

And so...true to my busy mind that sometimes doesn't let me sleep at night with it's constant ruminating, I wondered wide awake what were the lessons that I COULD teach my children about Bin Ladin's death, about the joy people felt, about terrorism, about healing.  By morning, this is what I came up with: 

1.  Patriotism: Watching the throngs of people gather outside the gates of the White House, hearing them sing the National Anthem, listening to the boisterous chants of U.S.A!  U.S.A! gives parents a golden opportunity on a silver platter.  Those images are a sure fire way to teach your children that no matter who we are, what we believe in, or where we stand on issues--we are one country.  We are a country of people who, when the going gets tough, unite to sing the praises of our similarities.  Our commonalities that we believe in, we love and we will fight for our beloved America and its citizens.

2.  Empathy: Let's face it the world is wide but it is a rare child whose viewpoint isn't narrow--based purely on a lack of chances they get to experience that there are others...others who make up the fabric of human kind.  Here is a chance for us to teach our daughters and sons that this man's death provides us an opportunity to think about, to consider the thousands and thousands of family members who had their loved ones stolen from them some ten years ago.  It is a chance for us to help our kids "put themselves in someone else's shoes."  Even the youngest of minds can imagine what it would be like to not  have a daddy or mommy. Teaching our children the art of understanding, the art of TRULY feeling for their fellow humans is an invaluable tool if we ever want to move towards a more utopic society.  Talking about, praying for, remembering those Americans who suffered the loss of someone they loved because of Bin Ladin's evil would be a great place to start.


3. Perseverance Pays  Injustice and evil are inevitable parts of life.  Learning this the hard way is an unfortunate part of growing up. I say, that this life loop hole shouldn't come as surprise to children.  Bad things happen.  I think that it is okay, even necessary, to help our sons and daughters develop an awareness of that as soon as they can.  Part of that teaching, especially in the context of THIS conversation, should be that quite often perseverance and patience will pay off in the long run, and can combat the forces of evil.  In this case it was our brave soldiers and the extraordinary brains of many who over the course of 8 months planned and replanned and gathered intelligence in order to someday reach their goal. 

4.  Hatred Ultimately Destroys It's Host George Washington Carver once said that hatred eventually destroys the hater.  Never has there been a clearer example of this quote than Osama bin Ladin.  The measures that the man took to destroy those that were the objects of his hatred eventually led to his demise.  As parents, this moment in history is as good as any to teach our littlest family members that love gets so much more accomplished than hate.  That treating others...ALL others...with dignity and respect should be a daily affirmation because it is right and good not only for the person receiving the kindness but for the giver. 

5.  Dialogue=Intelligence In light of bin Ladin's death there is bound to be an upswing in those horrific images of 9/11.  It is impossible to shield our children from all those violent images.  So use it for good.  Teach them of the great orators and peaceable humans throughout history.  Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Susan B. Anthony are fantastic personalities that we should use to counteract the idea that violent aggression and war are the ways to get things done.  We could even practice the art of polite negotiation at home. 
"Mom, I want a cookie." 
"Well dear it is 10 minutes until dinner.  You can have some cucumbers."
"Mom, I am not in the mood for cucumbers.  Can I have cheese?"
"Cheese it is!"

The most important message we as parents should emphasize to our children no matter the age is that the grown-ups in their various roles are in charge and that they are safe.  No, we can't REALLY say that with 100% certainty, but children are about absolutes, about black and white, about right and wrong.  Remember when life was that simple?  Remember when fairy tales endings were not only possibilities, but the norm?  Although that feeling is a rarity in adulthood, yesterday we were reminded what it was like when the dragon is slayed and the princess saved.  We were reminded of witches dying because of flying houses, of evil wizards being defeated, of a magical ring finding it's rightful place.  Yesterday, the good guys won and the bad guys lost.  Yesterday was a good day.