Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Can't We All Just Get Along? Authoritarian Vs. Permissive Parenting

The last Muddled Mother post espoused the virtue, the necessity, the urgency of continuing to move even though we're mothers.  That is--to be sure that we remember that we are, or that we SHOULD be, more than that sacrificial role.  We should remember or begin to consider who ELSE we want to be in addition to mom, mama, mommy.  It was a controversial post to say the least.  Many who agreed or had never thought that way left beautiful sentiments in the comment section below.  Some wrote me private messages disagreeing or offering another view point respectfully, civilly in a manner in which educated humans converse. There were also those who vehemently disagreed.  I live in a small town so, of course, through the perpetual grapevine I heard the drawl and tsk tsk of women who believed that I should be ashamed of myself lamenting publicly my role of mother.  "What would my children think?"  One woman-who isn't a mother-spoke with an authoritative stance and gathered in all who would listen to share her "enlightened" perspective that "my whining" was due to my erroneous view that my children were put on this earth to make me happy.  She asserted that I didn't understand that happiness came from within.  She posted quotes about happiness and responsibility on Facebook. She convinced friends who were mothers to remove themselves from the Mudder website in order to spare them the downer I perpetuate on the good name of motherhood every week.  She even went as far as trying to insert herself into my sons' lives in order to perhaps "fill the void" that they must feel having me as a mother.

However, believe it or not,  I welcome it.  I even expect it-the mess (the righteousness too.) It's inevitable when discussing a polarizing, passionate subject like motherhood.  After all, it's a messy topic. As with any sacred subject like politics or religion, most people have strong, deep rooted ideals that are as unwavering as Mt. Everest.   Did you know that there are over 700 billion ADULTS in the world?  (I looked it up.)  I am willing to bet that every one of those adults has an idea of how a mother should act, think, speak.  Unfortunately ALL 700 billion opinions can't be right, but they ALL can't be wrong either.  I would assert that it's a little of both.  Hear me out on this.

I am sure by now you have heard of the "Tiger Mom."  If you haven't, let me fill you in.  Amy Chua, author of  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother has been lambasted online, on television and in print media for her "harsh" discipline and parenting techniques that she touts in her book and her article "Why Chinese Moms Are Superior." Tiger mama's children never went to a play date, never slept over at someone house, weren't allowed to have chocolate and couldn't even be in a school play. Venomous vitriol spewed out of every corner at these revelations.  More permissive parents called her strict methods abuse.  When she admitted that she once called her daughter "Garbage," know-betters and tsk tskers came out of the wood work calling her a wimp and a poor excuse for a mother.

Now I'm not saying that I agree with everything that she did.  But let me just say, both of her daughters are Ivy League bound.  They have a clear reverence for their parents, and most of all, it is distinctly obvious that they are driven to be successful.  My sons are not Ivy League bound, they don't typically have a reverence for their parents and they both have said that "As long as they pass, they're good." And I will be the first to admit that in moment of ire or great sadness the words that have come out of this mother's mouth have been giant mistakes that I could only apologize for and vow to never say again. So...who am I to question her parenting?  Who am I to dissect it?  Her daughters seem poised for a stellar adulthood.  I 'd settle for my boys having an average one.  Her parenting worked for her.  Her parenting worked for her family.

Then there's Spock who has touted the idea of permissive parenting--a life where the child gets to explore his or her environment and learn logically from life's consequences without the constraints of a mother or father's constant "no's".  This parenting philosophy has been around since the early 50's.  Many parents sing its praises.  They believe that this popular philosophy encourages children to be brave within their environment, and because of that, permissive parenting has helped to create a nation of thinkers and inventors leading our country to the technological boom we're experiencing today.  On the other hand, many opponents of permissive parenting complain that its created a generation of spoiled entitled children and a culture of youth who are soft and rebellious.

Once again, I don't espouse that I agree with all that is involved in permissive parenting.  But as a mother I would love to ensure that my children were able to see the possibilities in life without fear.  And, well, those who know me well know that I am not shy of a rebellion or two.  Where would we be without the likes of Steve Jobs or writer Augusten Burroughs, the innovators and free thinking artists?  The permissive parenting they received worked for their parents.  It worked for them.

Mudders, we try our hardest.  We do our best.  We cry.  We laugh.  We love. We hurt.  We slip.  We fall.  We get back up.  We make mistakes and we apologize.  We go to bed defeated and awaken refreshed. We try again. We hold on tightly to a sense of hope and we vow to never give up on our children.  Sometimes our decisions are spot on.  Sometimes we spit in the wind. We all know the elation of success and the sting of failure.  It is a precarious role being a mother.  We are forever reminded that several wrong moves or even ONE could damage those that we love the most for an eternity.  The uncertainty of what we do, when we do it and the veritable HOW weighs heavily on us daily, by the minute, by the second.  We are mothers.  We may choose to do our jobs in different ways.  We may disagree on the guidelines one follows to raise children in an appropriate manner.  But one thing I am sure of, one thing that is the same for all of us who call ourselves mamas is that we love our children and our decisions are made out of the adoration that we have for them.  Whether permissive or authoritarian, whether chipper and cheerful or full of lamentation, all mothers want the same thing for their children--to ultimately grow into adults who live in a state called contentment.

42 comments:

  1. Logan,
    Some women need to keep others down in order to make themselves feel worthy. Perhaps this childless woman feels so inadequate in her own life and lack of purpose that she needs to tear a successful woman, writer, teacher, sister, daughter, and yes... MOTHER in order to make herself feel better. Jealousy is a terrible thing. Bravo to you for being above it and for seeing it for what it truly is.

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  2. I admire all that you say here in this column! I doubt, amongst all the types of mothers you mentioned, that we have not all felt the emotions you have expressed throughout the months of this column in some way. No matter what the topic of the column, I continuously can connect to at least a portion of what you have said. Being a mother does boil down to wanting whatever we deem best for our children, but we have to decide what works for us in terms of getting them there. From a teacher's standpoint, we can think of it as differentiated instruction, right? Keep the columns coming because I definitely look forward to reading them. They always make me reflect on my own life as a mother and make me smile, too!

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  3. I'm not going to buy this book, however when you put yours out I will buy that. (:

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  4. Good for you for rising above the negative!!! :) Great writing as usual!

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  5. I loved your last column! I actually quoted it a few times because it hit home so much for me. And I agree with this one too! Motherhood is messy and individual. Thanks for being so honest in your columns and reminding us it is human to make mistakes. Keep up the good work!

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  6. I loved your last column! I actually quoted it a few times because it hit home so much for me. And I agree with this one too! Motherhood is messy and individual. Thanks for being so honest in your columns and reminding us it is human to make mistakes. Keep up the good work!

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  7. I am a product of the Tiger Mom - Chinese way of parenting. My parents are Vietnamese, and I was taught to only get straight As. I was not allowed sleep overs and etc. And I ended up going to a top 20 university - Vanderbilt in Nashville.

    Since that was the parenting style I was used to, I didn't see a huge deal with her article. Obviously, I will NOT be telling my children that they are dumb and stupid, but I will expect them to make As and do well in school and go to an Ivy League school, because academia is important to me.

    But to each his own.

    I am your newest follower. I hope you will check out my blog and follow me back.

    -DP
    Hip Chick's Guide to PMS, Pregnancy, and Babies

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  8. Love the post, as I'm totally messy mom. Following you now and hope you follow back.

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  9. I think that there should be a happy medium. It is so hard to strike that balance sometimes though! Following now from Bloggy Moms. check me out at
    http://www.heartfeltbalancehandmadelife.blogspot.com
    Michelle

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  10. Love reading your posts! I am following you now and would love to have you follow back at http://funfritzfamily.blogspot.com/

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  11. Hi Logan, this is Small Town Mom from Bloggymoms stopping by to say hi!

    Are you on twitter? My account is http://www.twitter.com/adventurousmomy

    Looking forward to reading more of your posts.

    http://www.adventuresasasmalltownmom.com

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  12. Hey, it's Small Town Mom again...I had a brainfart with respect to your twitter account. Just saw it on your Bloggymoms post and am now following you on twitter.

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  13. Loved the post. I often find it so hard when people are black and white, why can't we all be rainbow colored and see other peoples points of view. You don't have to agree with them just respect them. I'll be a new follower. Check out my blog at http://andweareoffto.blogspot.com/
    Amie

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  14. Wow . . . thank you for sharing all this!

    A new muddled mother following you.

    Ladaisi Blog

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  15. I'm glad to have stumbled upon you dear Muddler. I found this post to be very very thought provoking and excellent and it helps me be ok with the fact that I;m a kind of "melting pot" mama!!!!

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  16. I told my 11 year old he was being an ass today. Does that make me the worst mom, well I'm sure to some yes! Will I ever call him that again? Probably! I'm not perfect, i've never claimed to be. So I should start my son's therapy now before it gets too late! I really enjoy your thinking. I'm off to read some of your old posts.

    Now following from Bloggy Moms!

    Megan

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  17. Show me 100 mothers and I'll show you 100 different parenting methods. We can't box mothering up in a neat little box, tie it up with a pretty ribbon and ship it out via UPS when those we rear head out the door on their own.

    As someone else said..."I'm a messy mom" AND I'll keep it that way, thank you very much...it's a little more real for me.

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  18. Interesting! Love that your honest and true to yourself! I liked how you mentioned " it worked for her family." Like you, I believe that motherhood's messy! I stay optimistic and upbeat yet recognize the challenges!

    Anyway, I look forward to reading more! I'm your newest follower! ...from bloggy moms. Would love for you to follow my family blog (which includes recipes, crafts, simple decor and seasonal ideas, and posts about early childhood education).

    Http://babyboyengland.blogspot.com

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  19. Thanks for this article! Motherhood is unique for each mother. I like that you mentioned different parenting styles work for different families!

    I look forward to reading more!

    I'm your newest follower and hope you'll follow me' back!

    Http://babyboyengland.blogspot.com

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  20. Following you on GFC and twitter (@keralita13) from Bloggy Moms! I totally agree that motherhood is a flippin' tough job and certainly not fun all the time!
    Come visit my blog- would love to have you do a guest post if you are up for it!

    Keri
    www.marriedtoageek.net

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  21. You make a great point! Every mom is unique-and so are kids. What works for one doesn't work for the next person. It's all messy and muddled. But it's wonderful. So glad that I found you!

    Brea
    www.becomingbrea.com

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  22. Hi, I'm a new follower from Bloggy Moms. I really look forward to reading your posts - you are voicing some of my thoughts! I'd love for you to come follow me back!
    http://dearheartdesigns.blogspot.com
    http://tidbitsfromamom.blogspot.com

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  23. I'm your newest follower. You can find me at http://burstingattheseam.blogspot.com/.

    Look forward to reading your blog.

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  24. I've been a muddled mother for 26 years. You'd think I'd get better as time went on... oh well...

    Stopping by from Bloggy Moms to say hello and be your newest follower!

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  25. Following you from Bloggy Moms, thanks for writing this. I am still fairly fresh at the mommy thing, considering my oldest will only be 3 next month. I believe that grades are important, but I don't agree with most of what that woman has to say.

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  26. Great Post!!! I am your newest follower from Bloggy Moms. Please follow me at http://grandmasamazingjourney.blogspot.com

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  27. I think we parent a lot alike. Your introduction to your blog totally describes me. Never ever ever want to be on the PTA! Found you on Bloggy Moms and I'm your newest follower. You can find me at www.thingsthatkeepmesane.com
    -Heather

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  28. I agree - we moms always put ourselves last. That's why I came out with a clothing line. It's just now healthy to be last all the time!!

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  29. I'm a clinical psychologist. I liked your post. Kids need limits, positive encouragement, and face time. Moms need to look after themselves as well. Harsh discipline has negative side-effects. Kids learn to solve problems by striking out or they become sneaky to avoid punishment. My blog is http://marinpsychologist.blogspot.com http://bit.ly/cPhgrv
    I just joined bloggy moms. Thanks for finding me.

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  30. I'm a new follower! Excited to see what else you've got up your sleeve :).

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  31. Your parenting views are similar to mine, so I am definitely going to follow you and look forward to what you post next! Thanks for adding me on Bloggy Moms! Stop by my blog: http://undomesticdivalife.blogspot.com/

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  32. Well said! Love your blog and can't wait to read more. I am following you from Bloggy Moms and would love for you to follow me back.
    www.pinkhippoboutique.blogspot.com
    Thanks

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  33. Thank you so much for checking out my blog!! I love yours! I love that you have crock pot recipes and such!!!! I have giveaways on my blog!! Check them out! Thank you!

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  34. You're such a strong person. :) I love your blog!

    I'm following.

    ecwrites.blogspot.com

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  35. Thanks for finding me. Your blog is really great. I'm following. please come check out my blog

    dstracywrites.blogspot.com

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  36. Hi!
    I am a new follower from bloggy moms. I am enjoying reading your blog.
    Come and follow me back if you can.
    http://www.thechattymommy.com

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  37. I'm a new follower from Bloggy Moms. I look forward to checking out your blog!
    Feel free to come check out my blog:
    http://www.danna-3pinkcupcakes.blogspot.com

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  38. Newest follower from Bloggy moms, would love it if you stopped by and followed back!!
    http://confessionsofamoneysavingmom.blogspot.com

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  39. Muddled Mother -- thanks for finding me on Bloggy Moms. I'm enjoying your posts!

    Like you, I'm fascinated by the national discussion sparked by Amy Chua's book. I also wrote about her ideas on my blog (www.amominbrooklyn.com), in a post called "Why American Workhorse Moms Are Pretty Great Too."

    Keep up the great blogging -- I'll be following! :)

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  40. Hi Logan! I'm a new follower:) I loved reading this, I teach classes in my career about Parenting styles and self esteem. Your viewpoint was really interesting:)

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  41. Logan,

    Great post!

    It really hit home as most of us mothers have endured "advice" (often unsolicited) from people who don't have children. Only when one has experienced the difficulty and magnitude of responsibility that being a parent entails will they perhaps achieve some humility in realizing that it's a heck of a difficult job. Keep doing what you're doing: writing well and undoubtedly parenting equally as well.

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