Tuesday, March 8, 2011

An Apology from the Universe

Hi  there.  Universe here.  I know.  I know.  You are mad at me.  I haven't been very kind lately.  Seems like I'm picking on you doesn't it?  Cosmos and I, well, we have sent you an inordinate amount of shall we say...Universal do-do.  Would you believe me if I told you it's because our sewers up here have been clogged for days?  Nah.  I didn't think you would. So...you are looking for some Universal truths?  That was a joke. Get it?  Universal Truths?  No.  Still not smiling eh?  Okay.  Okay.  I guess I do owe you an apology for SOME of the bad.  Here goes.

1.  I am sorry that being a mom has been hard lately.  It must feel horrific to watch one of your children from afar make poor choice after poor choice and not be able to do anything about it.  I see you wake up daily with new resolve and so it pains me to pummel you with another explosive moment or another teacher complaint or another worrisome action.  The stress-the encompassing anguish- has broken you.  I can tell.  You would think that I would at least give you a couple of days here and there to breathe, rest your mind.  I am sorry that I have been unable to do that.  But you must trust me on this, there is a reason for the turbulence your son is going through right now.  I know that your lost little boy and the trouble he gets into is excruciating and is a constant barb in your mind.  But just trust in Cosmos and me.  We've seen it all.  We've done it all.  Sometimes in the midst of horrific pain, you must just blindly have faith in the fact that every once in awhile gripe will bring gratification...much later on.....but brings it nonetheless.

2.  Continuing on that mom theme, ehem...have you noticed how grumpy your oldest has been lately?  Whew!  THAT must get old!  I mean....you jokingly tell him he has stinky feet and he's all like, "I hate you.  I hate you so much!"  Punctuated of course by that constant slamming of his bedroom door.  Sheesh...touchy touchy touchy.  Take a CHILL pill man!  But honestly, you can't blame this one on ME and Cosmos!  I mean there is an animal called Hormones, and he can be QUITE the devil!   At our monthly world meetings, he can be SO moody and unpredictable.  You just never know what will come out of that man's mouth.  So yeah...I am completely aware of how difficult it is to live with him on a regular basis.  It's the reason Cosmos and I never invite him to dinner.  Yes it is true, Hormones is PART of me, the Universe, but like a wild animal...I just can't control him.  However, since he DOES come from me, I will apologize profusely for his hold on your son, but will also defend him because of course the work he does  for me is of the utmost importance in order for life to continue.  So let's cut Hormones some slack and just remind ourselves that he will move on to some new teenager very very soon.  Yes, soon.  I will put that on my to-do list. 

3.  Okay, let's talk Ila.  I am going to tell you right up front that I will not--absolutely will not-- apologize for anything that is taking place when it comes to her.  Sure, she's a little crooked from her torticollis. Sure, conventional physical therapy hasn't worked.  Alright, alright, so the doctor scared you to death when he said he wanted to send her to UVM to see a pediatric neurologist and to Boston to see a pediatric orthopedist.  But look...it isn't like she has a terminal disease you know?   Moms with kids who DO have terminally ill children have rights to worry and fret and feel sorry for themselves.  But a little crooked neck?  Nuh uh.  No way.  Stop wallowing.  I gave you gut instincts for a reason.  USE them!  Both doctors will come to the same conclusion that Ila will need the surgery that corrects her tilt.  A little, teeny, eensie, weensie surgery that she won't even remember when she grows up.  And hey...how about throwing ME some appreciation for the bones I have thrown YOU when it comes to this subject!  It isn't all bleak, Logan.  You have had some incredible Universal intervention with your daughter.  Please don't ignore that I sent you Jill, Miss PT Perfection, who diagnosed what, until her, went undiagnosed.  And how about a thank you for putting some fire under your pediatrician's behind.  I mean...he is a pretty laid back doctor, and yet, his feelings for you and your family coupled with his incredible brain and senseare allowing you to go to the BEST doctors for this, not just some local yocal.  I mean, I aligned the stars for you on this one.  So don't expect me to apologize for all my hard work.

4.  This final one, the infamous "salsa crotch day," well I am just ashamed of Cosmos and myself. I'll admit we used you for our own amusement.  Hey, even we need some comedy once in awhile.  You just happened to be the target.  I know.  It took a lot of mental energy to leave your problems behind, to be positive and plan a day in NYC over vacation.  I know that you would have rather let your son and your husband go to the basketball game in New Jersey without you as planned.  But you were right, you deserved a little break and good times.  We shouldn't have messed with it.  We just couldn't help it.  I mean, your reactions to strife is just hysterical.  I know you didn't find the car breaking down half way to Manhattan a comical moment, especially since you had to spend money on a rental.  Cosmos and I were SO impressed when you tried like hell to forge ahead with your positive attitude even when it became apparent that NYC was out of the question if you wanted your hubby and son to make the basketball game on time.  That little "let's all go swimming in the New Jersey hotel," was a valiant effort.  But looking back at it now, can you at least chuckle at the horrific lunch and dinner we conjured up for you.  I mean it was classic right.  Lunch at a rest stop on the Thruway instead of your favorite Manhattan restaurant.  Having to choose from two fast food restaurants that you hated, and clincher....having Ila push that entire container of salsa over the table to land like a bull's eye right in the center of your crotch.  Come on!  That was just completely entertaining.   You should have seen yourself trying to wipe that, ehem, um--area--discreetly in the VERY public bathroom.  And when Cosmos had that little girl ask you if you wet your pants, I swear the milk I was drinking came right out of my nose from laughing so hard.  Then, Cosmos and I had to wrap our arms around our middle to keep from splitting with laughter when the diluted salsa soaked through you underpants ten miles down the road and started burning your...well..hoo hoo.  Oh....good times.  Good times.

Where was I???  Ah yes...the apology.  But when we trapped you in that 2 hour traffic jam on the way to dinner and your diuretic medicine kicked in and you had to pee so bad you were sure that your bladder was holding the entire Hudson River, Cosmos and I thought that that would be the most fun we had all day.  Potty humor you know is usually the best.  And when you got out of your car in the middle of all that traffic and actually jumped into a construction port-a-potty in front of all those drivers, we thought we hit the comic jackpot.

But then you got back in the car.  We weren't prepared for the tears.  Those were some serious water works.  When the car got quiet and even the teenager felt sorry for you....we knew you had enough.

I know that on top of all the new hardships, you are still dealing with your husband out of work and a heart condition that dogs you daily making your legs and arms and mind feel like their moving through mud.  Cosmos and I are sorry. We are very sorry.  Despite what you think, we don't enjoy bearing down on you like we have.  (Okay we enjoyed the "salsa crotch.")  I wish I could tell you that you've seen the last of the dark and cloudy days, but just as sunshiney summer turns to icy cold winter,  and back again to summer, bad will turn to good and then back to bad in this life.  It is how Cosmos and I roll.  Instead of dwelling on the bad, depressing yourself and those around you, try to remember that positives and negatives during a lifetime are...well...UNIVERSAL!

Chow Baby! 

30 comments:

  1. LOL! You are awesome! Will be tweeting. I finally got a FB and Twitter account. Can you believe it?

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  2. This was a good read and very creatively written. :)

    My son also has torticollis, but we are very lucky that it has almost completely resolved itself with lots and lots of OT & PT. We were told he may need surgery at first so I understand your feelings. She will be okay and you will too. I wish you well, great momma!

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  3. This was so creative! I think we all need an apology from the universe sometimes although I'm still waiting for mine:)

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  4. Loved this! Creative indeed... And well, overwhelming! It's quite a feat to have SO MUCH going on, and still come up with this! Kudos!

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  5. This was great. Thank you!!

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  6. And because my mom says "whoo hoo" that part really really made me laugh. :-)

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  7. LOL, I really enjoyed reading this post! It was also timely because I am thinking that I am on the COSMOS hit list today.

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  8. Great Post! I am following you from Blogger Moms.

    Vickie
    http://victoriasvoice44.blogspot.com

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  9. Thanks for welcoming me from Bloggymoms...I'm now following you, and would love you to follow me back! :)

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  10. This is a great post. I think we have all had times like this but you certainly put it in a very humorous way. Thanks for the chuckles.

    Theresa

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  11. It sounds like you deserve a stress-free vacation!

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  12. You are amazing! I wish I could write like you! I will be following you from now on. Thank you for messaging me on Bloggy Moms!

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  13. What an original approach to "making lemonade out of the lemons that Life gives you" or, well, compost out of the other stuff Life serves up.

    I liked this. It is amusing, but just when I was in mid-chuckle, you wrote something that made me gasp; you surprised your readers with a skillful blend of the serious and the ridiculous in a matrix of truth: That is really the way Life is.

    Wonderful post!

    You wrote an extremely entertaining post and it is a good example for bloggers who want to write with a similar approach about Their "dialogues" with the Universe.

    Wil

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  14. Loved this, even though I am a man, I can understand, at least to a point. Loved the way you told the story. Great Post. Found you from bloggy moms. Just started following. Hope you find time to check mine out.

    http://househusbanddad.blogspot.com

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  15. Well-written with a magical flow through happy and sad.

    Loved every word!

    Patty

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  16. Great rant...I think we have all been somewhere very close at some point! Happy Thursday (that means Friday is around the corner!)

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  17. Laughing my brains out right now! I know we all talk with a hush hush about the Luce Curse...but that clinched it right there! Unbelievable. It was so funny Logan. Sending you lots of love!

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  18. :) New follower.

    http://noguilelifeandotherstoriesfromautism.blogspot.com/

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  19. Alexander the the terrible, horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day....for grownups. Well written Logan. You help us see our own life for the comedy it really is, but does not feel like in the middle. Thanks for the perspective. (I have to say...I really was wondering when the brief summary blurb about this post was pretty much just "salsa crotch"). :-).

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  20. LOL! The universe is a tricky little bugger. Glad you survived this joke on you.

    Theresa
    http://www.theresagrisanti.com

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  21. I Would Love it if you could join my network: www.spacreations.ning.com

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  22. I enjoyed reading this post, and look forward to reading more! I'm a new follower from Bloggy Moms... :)

    Baby Talk without the Babble
    www.markgillianaksel.blogspot.com

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  23. Hilarious! Great blogging! I'm following you here as well as on twitter now. Thanks for the laughs!

    Leandra
    The Whimsical Sweet
    http://thewhimsicalsweet.com

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  24. I LOVE your blog and so much so, I've nominated it for the One Lovely Blog award. Check out my blog for details http://mommyswayornoway.blogspot.com

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  25. So funny! I have had a few salsa moments too.

    Stopping by from TRDC weekend linkup

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  26. love love love it!!!!
    great style
    follow u now!
    xoxo=P

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  27. i absolutely love this post! i am now following your blog :) thanks for linking me to it over in bloggymoms

    xoxo

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  28. Are you talking to me?

    You had me laughing and feeling my life.

    First time hear, thanks for the laugh.

    elena

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  29. Lovely post, if you write back would you minding asking the Universe if it will take responsibility for my huge backside. Thanks

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