Sunday, December 28, 2014

Ode to the Flannel Nightgown

All this talk lately about yoga pants being the perfect piece of clothing for women just seems so silly to me. I can't understand this line of thinking, truly I can't. It seems absolutely implausible. Obviously these clothing-scientists-of-sort have never ever experienced the pure and unadulterated bliss that one gets when donning a flannel nightgown.  Ah yes,  poor under appreciated flannel nightgown! Isn't it about time that someone sing your praises?  So with that in mind, here are the top 6 things that make flannel nightgowns ROCK!

1. No Waist Band.  That's right ladies--no elastic or drawstring or fold down bandeau! Who needs 'em? They rest directly on the certain special body part that dogs us, um you know, at that time of the month, after a satisfying meal, or after a holiday-week-gorge-fest (perhaps ESPECIALLY after a holiday gorge fest!) Although there is SOME give in the spandex that makes up our lauded yoga pants, that waistband is still there cutting into, putting pressure on and reminding us like a nagging wife of the bloat and unwanted fat cells that have set up shop on our stomachs. Flannel nightgowns, on the other hand, bell out at JUST the right place. If we're standing, they never even graze our bulging bellies. Furthermore, it seems to me those yoga pants add even more salt to the abdomen-wound when we sit down! Don't tell me that you've never experienced the unbridled unpleasantness of a waistband that immediately folds down with every sit-down.  A flannel nightgown never ever needs to be fished out of the folds of flab and hitched up over the top! Never! Ever!

2. Otherworldly.What other garment can make you feel like Jane Eyre?  Just button it up to the top, add an English accent and walk down a long hallway holding a candle and BOOM! Instant Victorian Heroine! Let's see yoga pants do that?

3. So Warm!!  I mean, after all, flannel is the go-to material this season! So many of us love those flannel sheets that get dusted off during the coldest of months! Who wouldn't want to be able to WEAR those flannel sheets (so to speak) from the time they get home from work until they have to get dressed the next day?  While yoga pants CAN take you from work to play to the grocery store, they cannot warm you on a cold winter night the way that the flannel nightgown can.

4. Go Commando! Buy a floor-length flannel nightgown and no one-NO ONE-will ever know if you choose to walk around sans undies.  Hell, flannel material is so forgiving no one would ever know if you decided to forgo ALL lingerie. (Unless you are Dolly Parton...then I'm not so sure.) And well, with yoga pants...well...we ALL know when a woman is...ehem...without her underwear. And speaking of wedgies....

5.  No Wedgies--Not sure if this needs any explanation especially if
you've ever tried to sleep in yoga pants or walked behind an underwearless-yoga-pants-wearing woman!

6.. Body Type-Schmody-Type! Although yoga pants are worn by all shapes and sizes, it doesn't necessarily mean that they flatter everyone. I know for myself, my thighs, hips and rear end tend to be on the curvy side (stop smirking...) so, unless I wear a tunicky thing on top, I am often self-conscious with the way the material on yoga pants cling to these body parts. I don't know about you, but it isn't a wish of mine to frame my large derriere in clingy, glittery, shiny spandex.  Yet, I have never met a woman who doesn't do a flannel nightgown right. Tall or short, fat or skinny, large-chested or Kardashian-bottomed, flannel nightgowns are just fine on any body type!

So what do you say?  To hell with the yoga pants lovers! Let's start a flannel nightgown revolution! Pull up a chair, grab a pint of Ben and Jerry's and let's toast the only garment that won't remind afterwards why we should have put the ice cream down!

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